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This is part 2 of the Ezekiel chronicles. Ezekiel has been lying on his side for over 390 days as part of a performance that’s supposed to convey a message of doom to Israel. God had muted Ezekiel to make things interesting.
After 390 days, God has new instructions for the prophet: He should cut off his beard with a sword. Then he is to divide the hair into three parts.
One third is to be burnt in the midst of Jerusalem. He is to distribute another third around the city and strike the hair with his sword. The final third is to be scattered by the wind.
He is also supposed to tie some of the hair into his garment, and then again take some of this hair and burn them. All this a metaphor for how Jerusalem and the people of Israel would be punished. Surely there has to be an easier way to convey this message.
Ah, but of course: Ezekiel is mute. So a performance it is! The message: Jerusalem will be besieged and destroyed. Parents will eat their children and children will feast on their parents. Ears and noses will be cut off; men, women, children and old people will be killed. And the whole city will be burnt to the ground.
When Ezekiel can speak again, the does what anybody would have done:
He prophesies against and curses the mountains. This is what he says, and I quote:
Mountains of Israel, hear the word of the Lord God. Thus says the Lord God to the mountains and hills, to the ravines and valleys: Pay attention! I am bringing a sword against you, and I will destroy your high places.
Yeah, fuck you, mountains!
This is the book of Ezekiel in a nutshell. Batshit crazy stuff. And it doesn’t end there. Metaphor upon metaphor describe what God thinks of Israel and what he plans doing with the people. There are prostitutes how pay out money for sex, eagles and wine and lions.
Later some more prostitutes: two sisters, nymphomaniacs, and the prophet goes into explicit detail how their breasts and nipples are touched, and repeatedly so. This seems to be an important detail because Ezekiel can’t get enough of their breasts and nipples being groped.
Then towards the end Ezekiel is led into a field of bones. While Ezekiel stands among the bones and prophesies, the bones come to life, grow sinews, muscles and flesh, and the skeletons arise and walk about. I will go out on a limb and say that Ezekiel most probably was high as a kite throughout the penning of this book.
And I haven’t even mentioned the introduction where Ezekiel has crazy vision of God’s chariot throne. It has to be read to be believed.
All in all, the book of Ezekiel is one of the most entertaining bible books, and also one of the most insane. On a more serious note, it also paints God as a vindictive, evil, jealous, completely toxic entity, akin to that Ex who kills his former girlfriend because if he can’t have her, nobody should.
I’d love to say that Ezekiel was talking out of his ass, but sure enough, Jerusalem was soon destroyed by the Babylonians. So I guess the whole lying around and shit bread eating wasn’t all for nothing.
Source: Ezekiel
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This one time Ezekiel prophesied against mountains